i'm no braveheart

I've been told that I have a good heart. I've been told that my heart is pure and true. I know that I do not have a heart like my brothers, Braveheart he is called. He is strong and compassionate, tender and just. I look up to him and his ideology. I know that I do not have a heart like my ancestors, king Richard lionheart. He was bold, He cared about his people and was a renowned military leader and strategist. I am not a great leader or a man known for kindness and compassion. I don't know how anyone can see my heart when I hide it and bury it inside so no one can judge the scars and the tears and imperfections that plague it. 

heart breeding switch

My words, random and unintentional.
 My heart is my greatest treasure and my most personal belonging. It is mine and only mine, who i share it with means a great lot to me, and I expect to guard it.
Breeding is what scientist do to rats and poor animals to create the "perfect" whatever Frankenstein they are trying to engineer.
Switch, that is a light switch or a keyboard piece or circuit piece.

How to cry

Cry, by definition is to, shed tears, especially as an expression of distress or pain. Meaning that, something emotionally distressful or overwhelming has taken place to cause a reaction in our bodies to produce tears and expose us to, dangers, open arms, and embarrassment.

How to is a little bit different too explain. 

FIRST: breakdown

SECOND: get mad or deny what is happening, hold it in because it will make you seem weak to cry in front of people or weak because you don't cry over stupid things

THIRD: let it out, ALL of it. Let it all out the tears the screams the pain the joy whatever it is that is burdening your heart let it all out.

 people can cry for all sorts of reasons, stress, pain, joy. But why we cry doesn't matter as much as the fact that we do, we must in order to stay sane and work through times. Crying is NOT weak it is not embarrassing or stupid. I cherish the moments when people cry with me or in front of me because that means in that moment, they needed to cry and they trusted me enough to open up and express themselves. 

Fear

creepy pasta

aware

Being alive and being aware are similar but completely different. imagine being, by definition, alive but not aware of your surroundings. A comatose mind state, Hell in my mind. Being aware changes everything. 

You could see the beautiful pallet of natures colours and the evening sunset, or a full moon on a dark night. Feeling the warm touch of a close loved one. 

Tasting the rich juicy ripeness of a grape.

hearing the birds chirp, the wind rustling through the branches on a crisp autumn day.

smelling the fresh baked bread or the smell of rain.

Feeling the astounding enlightenment of understanding.

...

WAKE UP 

OPEN YOUR EYES

Become aware and think for yourself.
listen with intent

clay soil and sand

Bricks

when I was a kid I dropped a brick on my foot. that was the only time I've encountered a  physical brick. But I carry burdens as heavy as bricks, sin as solid and dense as stone, regrets as black as granite and memories as clear and perfect as diamond. But my bricks are special. Because no one wants them but me, and I'm ok with that.

Love

Im going to be consistently and constantly changing this post. Because I'm still learning about love and healing from its destructive beauty

Love is blind, it cannot see nor understand the things of physical matter. When you're in love, your lover will appear beautiful or handsome, almost glowing no matter what they're doing. There's Just something about then that is unique compared to others. And others cannot see it unless they've Experienced such a beautiful bond.

Love is the most destructive because it has no boundaries or morals. Love will rot your core beliefs and poison you're reality. It will leave you with a hole and a scar that is unbearable, undesired, and deep. Yet we are socialized to run blindly into it. To jump into the arms of anyone who can so much as mouth the words "I love you". love is a monster disguised in flowers and letters and little red hearts. But it will tear you apart and leave a wake of unimaginable pain. Death is a rational associate after love has left its withered mark.

Robots can feel

Robots can feel too. Irobot felt and had conscious thoughts. His feelings gave him an edge on other machines. The movie robots they felt and were real if not more real than humans. Wall-e had tenacity and persistence but he had something that the other bots didn't. He had emotions and thought consciously. Thats why they differ and have character and thats why we love those little guys. Real steel? A fighting robot who had the character to win the impossible fight.

If anything we're the robots

We do the same things that we "learned" is right and cannot do anything different we shun those who don't follow the path set forth by those in power. Sounds like programming to me. We sometimes turn off for extended periods of time and for what? What gets us back? That depends on the reason for shut down, physically or emotionally.
Id rather have bolts and look queer than stand in a line and be told what to do what to think what to feel and what to say.

The dif

1.1.2.3.5.8.13.21.34.55.89
Fibonacci knew his numbers.
The past plus the current equals the next outcome.

Them

All I want is for them to see me
For them to care
For them to see that we are still who we were when we found each other, when we stumbled so carelessly into something we didn't understand. Something we couldn't understand.
I have grown a little, but so did they. We grew together but apart at the same time. We could've built each other up and made something unbreakable.
But instead, something happened, something I don't understand. And they left.
They left me and my love where I was. It isn't fair but I need to learn somehow.
I am still here, I still care I still want them and I still will be here.
My friend told me that there's a difference from being in love and loving someone. You can always love someone, but you might not always be in love with them.

Fun

When I was young, I had a special kind of fun. A fun that is so special, that I only remember it, by the way my hands felt after and smelled and sometimes, even tasted. You never can forget the texture of crayons.
I drew rocket ships and "motorgycles" and bad guys! I wish I still had the happiness and innocence to see all those creations.

If only

"If it's not them, then it's someone else you'll find em, it might take time but I think you'll find a beautiful soul that will love you for you. love the way you talk walk the way you roll your eyes in frustration, the way you kinda chuckle before you cry, the way you say their name, the way you hold them and make eye contact right before you kiss them."

Time

Tonight is the the night.
I wrestle with it every day, every minute and every time I resist it gets worst
I want to quit, but quitters never win
Maybe I'm not ready to win, or meant to.
Time heals all, except those wounds that constantly bleed with every touch, even the slightest thought can create an unstoppable flow
The tears never let up only until the next wave of panic and the next and the next

I'm too young
I'm too inexperienced
I'm too lost to know what's up or down, right or wrong

I don't want to be but with time, maybe I will manage

Hats Hats Hats

 Hats

hats go on our heads 

hats can be red

hats do not mean you're dead

hats can be read

hats hats hats

what am I suppose to say about hats? 

there are large hats small hats colorful hats and bleak hats. 

hats hats hats.

how can hats be metaphorical? you tell me 

everyone can see your hats 

everyone can judge your hats

hats are hats

I don't wear my hat to church, I don't wear my hat to dances...when I go. I don't wear my hat when I sleep, or when I think deeply upon things that are petty, or things that stress me out and the one thing that calms me right away, is running my fingers through my hair, can't do that wearing a hat. My hat protects me too. From the sun in my eyes and my eyes from those who want to see them. My hat is part of my. 

The hat wearers creed

This is my hat. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My hat is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My hat, without me, is useless. Without my hat, I am useless. I must wear my hat true. I must wear it more straight than he who is trying to outclass me. I must wear it better before he does. I will...

My hat and I know what counts in high school is not the number of hats I wear, the noise of its color, nor the length of brim. We know that it is the way we wear it, we will wear it...

my hat is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its fabric, its colors and its insides. I will keep my hat clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Darkness

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. ~Martin Luther King Jr. 

This quote describes what I feel most of the time. People ask why I can't hate them, my only reply is that I can't because I know them. I do not know much being a young naive teenager but what I have learned from experience is priceless. 

Love others simply because we should, we should treat others kindly and how we want to be treated because imagine it from their perspective. Better yet, imagine those friends or people you know who are instantly a positive influence for you, the people who stand out to you because they treated you in a unique humble manner. Be the person that you want to meet, be the friend that you want to have. It applies to anything really.

They say to learn from others mistakes and I believe this to be true however, learning from your own mistakes seems to get the message across more profoundly.