I

I hate my life
My dependency
My lust
My love
My ignorant self being
I hate who I am.
I hate this pain
Someone help me. Anyone please  But I'll say no or that I'm ok because I just need her love, her dependency. I need her

...

No one is going to see this, no one cares enough. I'm sick of it all. Fuck everything. Fuck the good fuck the bad. It's not just one if those days. Shit can't be this bad for this long. It's exhausting, no one gets it that there's a reason I don't wake up in the mornings, what's the point. Half the time I wake up to nothing new and everything sill eating away at me. I wake up every morning hoping it's the last one, regretting I didn't die in my sleep. I don't want to cause any more pain to anyone. Fuck everything, prove to me, there's a God, prove there's a reason to my pitiful life

White elephant

Boo radely, I am not sure what to give you that you don't already have, so here's my advice.
Tyson, you've had a great year in sports. Everyone was watching the team and everyone is proud of you and the team. But what they don't see is the time, sacrifice, and effort that goes into the training on and off the field. Remember what you've learned and what you've experienced in sports. It has made you a hard worker with determination and diligence. You've been a great friend to those in need, please do not stop smiling how you do.
Tyson you're a great kid and I know you'll go far
If you continue to work with the same effort as you did in football. You're a winner in my heart go knights

Tristam

I remember the first moment I had my breath taken away by her.
I remember the first time she trusted me enough to be there for when she fell.
I remember the the one time she fell without me there to catch her.
I remember the first time I saw her in a dress, and the last time.
I remember the only time I cursed at her.
I remember the first time she held my hand.
I remember the rush I got by kissing her cheek.
I remember her eyes.
I remember our first adventure to the pond.
I remember the last time too.
I remember how I felt when our lips first met.
I remember every fight.
I remember every moment that I cried, every moment she did.

I hope she remembers too, because I won't forget every time that she said she loved me forever.

Black out

[He] went up in flames, he lost all the way,  in the past about everyday life

Knock knock

Who theres?

Music

Music is in all things, the birds chirping, wind through the trees, a child's laugh and the echo of my thoughts in my head. Music can be grand like that of Beethovens or simple like the pluck of a guitar string. Music can inspire and music can enlighten. Music is an outlet and a endless journey. Songs may be similar, but never identical, as are we.

You can't feel music, but music can make you feel

i'm no braveheart

I've been told that I have a good heart. I've been told that my heart is pure and true. I know that I do not have a heart like my brothers, Braveheart he is called. He is strong and compassionate, tender and just. I look up to him and his ideology. I know that I do not have a heart like my ancestors, king Richard lionheart. He was bold, He cared about his people and was a renowned military leader and strategist. I am not a great leader or a man known for kindness and compassion. I don't know how anyone can see my heart when I hide it and bury it inside so no one can judge the scars and the tears and imperfections that plague it. 

heart breeding switch

My words, random and unintentional.
 My heart is my greatest treasure and my most personal belonging. It is mine and only mine, who i share it with means a great lot to me, and I expect to guard it.
Breeding is what scientist do to rats and poor animals to create the "perfect" whatever Frankenstein they are trying to engineer.
Switch, that is a light switch or a keyboard piece or circuit piece.

How to cry

Cry, by definition is to, shed tears, especially as an expression of distress or pain. Meaning that, something emotionally distressful or overwhelming has taken place to cause a reaction in our bodies to produce tears and expose us to, dangers, open arms, and embarrassment.

How to is a little bit different too explain. 

FIRST: breakdown

SECOND: get mad or deny what is happening, hold it in because it will make you seem weak to cry in front of people or weak because you don't cry over stupid things

THIRD: let it out, ALL of it. Let it all out the tears the screams the pain the joy whatever it is that is burdening your heart let it all out.

 people can cry for all sorts of reasons, stress, pain, joy. But why we cry doesn't matter as much as the fact that we do, we must in order to stay sane and work through times. Crying is NOT weak it is not embarrassing or stupid. I cherish the moments when people cry with me or in front of me because that means in that moment, they needed to cry and they trusted me enough to open up and express themselves. 

Fear

creepy pasta

aware

Being alive and being aware are similar but completely different. imagine being, by definition, alive but not aware of your surroundings. A comatose mind state, Hell in my mind. Being aware changes everything. 

You could see the beautiful pallet of natures colours and the evening sunset, or a full moon on a dark night. Feeling the warm touch of a close loved one. 

Tasting the rich juicy ripeness of a grape.

hearing the birds chirp, the wind rustling through the branches on a crisp autumn day.

smelling the fresh baked bread or the smell of rain.

Feeling the astounding enlightenment of understanding.

...

WAKE UP 

OPEN YOUR EYES

Become aware and think for yourself.
listen with intent

clay soil and sand

Bricks

when I was a kid I dropped a brick on my foot. that was the only time I've encountered a  physical brick. But I carry burdens as heavy as bricks, sin as solid and dense as stone, regrets as black as granite and memories as clear and perfect as diamond. But my bricks are special. Because no one wants them but me, and I'm ok with that.

Love

Im going to be consistently and constantly changing this post. Because I'm still learning about love and healing from its destructive beauty

Love is blind, it cannot see nor understand the things of physical matter. When you're in love, your lover will appear beautiful or handsome, almost glowing no matter what they're doing. There's Just something about then that is unique compared to others. And others cannot see it unless they've Experienced such a beautiful bond.

Love is the most destructive because it has no boundaries or morals. Love will rot your core beliefs and poison you're reality. It will leave you with a hole and a scar that is unbearable, undesired, and deep. Yet we are socialized to run blindly into it. To jump into the arms of anyone who can so much as mouth the words "I love you". love is a monster disguised in flowers and letters and little red hearts. But it will tear you apart and leave a wake of unimaginable pain. Death is a rational associate after love has left its withered mark.

Robots can feel

Robots can feel too. Irobot felt and had conscious thoughts. His feelings gave him an edge on other machines. The movie robots they felt and were real if not more real than humans. Wall-e had tenacity and persistence but he had something that the other bots didn't. He had emotions and thought consciously. Thats why they differ and have character and thats why we love those little guys. Real steel? A fighting robot who had the character to win the impossible fight.

If anything we're the robots

We do the same things that we "learned" is right and cannot do anything different we shun those who don't follow the path set forth by those in power. Sounds like programming to me. We sometimes turn off for extended periods of time and for what? What gets us back? That depends on the reason for shut down, physically or emotionally.
Id rather have bolts and look queer than stand in a line and be told what to do what to think what to feel and what to say.

The dif

1.1.2.3.5.8.13.21.34.55.89
Fibonacci knew his numbers.
The past plus the current equals the next outcome.

Them

All I want is for them to see me
For them to care
For them to see that we are still who we were when we found each other, when we stumbled so carelessly into something we didn't understand. Something we couldn't understand.
I have grown a little, but so did they. We grew together but apart at the same time. We could've built each other up and made something unbreakable.
But instead, something happened, something I don't understand. And they left.
They left me and my love where I was. It isn't fair but I need to learn somehow.
I am still here, I still care I still want them and I still will be here.
My friend told me that there's a difference from being in love and loving someone. You can always love someone, but you might not always be in love with them.

Fun

When I was young, I had a special kind of fun. A fun that is so special, that I only remember it, by the way my hands felt after and smelled and sometimes, even tasted. You never can forget the texture of crayons.
I drew rocket ships and "motorgycles" and bad guys! I wish I still had the happiness and innocence to see all those creations.

If only

"If it's not them, then it's someone else you'll find em, it might take time but I think you'll find a beautiful soul that will love you for you. love the way you talk walk the way you roll your eyes in frustration, the way you kinda chuckle before you cry, the way you say their name, the way you hold them and make eye contact right before you kiss them."

Time

Tonight is the the night.
I wrestle with it every day, every minute and every time I resist it gets worst
I want to quit, but quitters never win
Maybe I'm not ready to win, or meant to.
Time heals all, except those wounds that constantly bleed with every touch, even the slightest thought can create an unstoppable flow
The tears never let up only until the next wave of panic and the next and the next

I'm too young
I'm too inexperienced
I'm too lost to know what's up or down, right or wrong

I don't want to be but with time, maybe I will manage